Apparently when things come in threes It’s the most perfect state they can achieve E.g. musketeers or holy trinities Billy Goats Gruff or Run DMC I was a solo show, no co-stars or extras Never imagined a duo, never mind a trifecta But everything changed up on Avery Hill When I heard some kids, their voices grating and shrill I hid in the bushes to not be observed As a few teenage boys bullied a couple of girls Judge if you like, I’m no chivalrous hero My mettle is measured with infinite zeroes But then one of the girls went and scared the boys off With a poorly-aimed rock from a little slingshot It missed them by inches, but hit me hard on my leg I yelled out in pain and that was how they met Craig Yes, Craig is me, at least that’s what she called me The girl who inadvertently moderately mauled me Her name was Kathy, or that’s what I gathered From the way her older sister kept shouting it at her They argued for ages, one and against and one for Looking after my injury, Kathy v Eleanor Eleanor said we’d better leave him behind Which seemed sociopathic, or at least borderline Lucky for me, Kathy’s innate empathy Meant they didn’t abandon me to lie there and bleed They set up a tent when it started drizzling The darkness descended, the wind was evilly whistling Then in the dead of the night something must have gone on I woke up in confusion it all felt suddenly wrong The sisters stared at me with eyes big as plates I wasn’t sure what had happened but it could not have been great Had I done something awkward or gross in my sleep? But soon I concluded that it wasn’t me It seemed like their grip on reality was slipping Had they eaten weird berries? Were they suddenly tripping? They started force-feeding me chocolate and crisps Doing strange voices while moving my lips Then they marched me through the forest in the wind and the rain Mumbling something about finding a cave They dressed me in a boa, pearls and shutter shades I thought I looked pretty good, so I didn’t complain Suddenly we came to a hole in the ground And they said we’d be safe there, that we all had to go down The next few hours are a blur I admit Whatever they took, I must have had some of it At some point they snuck off and broke into a shop Stole some candy and gin and took a nap and ran off They came back to find me and I was happy to see That they were coming down from the pills or the E Getting crazy like that is not my usual habit Mostly, I guess, because I am a rabbit But looking back on it now, it all seems funny Two little girls just tripping out with a bunny I always imagined that solitude was my plan But to be honest it feels cool to be part of a gang

In the age of the barbarians When people met with scary ends By bear bite or by battle axe It was super-violent to the max There lived a little Viking boy He was his father’s pride and joy His mother died in childbirth And where her blood fell on the earth There grew a tree with thorns as strong as Thor’s teeth And tiny flowers with petals pink as boar’s meat And the sages foretold a certain grisly destiny To the one who should ever harm the tree You know, the dad, he was mighty sad, oh But he knew that something bad was being foreshadowed So he packed up his newborn kid Said “we’re getting out of here” and then that’s what they did He wandered wastelands day and night Axe in left hand, kid in right Over desolate and frozen fjords ‘Til Loki said “I’m getting bored!” He went to earth to fight the lonely Viking The dad fell down, but he was only psyching He played dead and then when Loki wasn’t ready He slashed out with his axe and blood rained down like red confetti Well Loki said “You got me bad. I never thought I could get beaten by a single dad But I’m a good sport and I’ll grant you this, yes I’m going to grant you your most precious wish!” Dad knew it was a toughie he was being asked He thought of wishing for new bear-skins or a bigger axe He thought of wishing for riches or enemies lying in the ditches He even thought about the classic wish for a thousand wishes Then he looked into the eyes of his mini-Viking son Said “I know this wish is kind of weak but I think that it’s the one: We’ve been wandering for ages and we’re frozen to the bone It’s time we found a new place to call home.” Well Loki laughed and said “OK - There’s some houses there around the bay. If you can fight their twenty strongest men I think for sure they’ll let you in!” Dad gave Loki a scowl and a frown Picked up his kid from off of the ground Then he set off around the bay And when he got to the gates he shouted up “hey! Hello you good people of this peaceful looking village I’m not here to burn or burgle, I’m not hear to rape or pillage I’m just a lonely single father with a little Viking toddler I could fight all y’all with one hand but why go to all the bother?” Well many years went by the way they do The dad grew older and the kid did too One day dad said “son, I think I’m deathly ill You better put me on that burning boat, you know the drill.” The kid was bummed out, but who wouldn’t be? He let the fire and sent his dad up to his destiny His friends all told him to get on with life The best thing to do was to go take a wife So he went out a-raiding, met a beautiful maiden Told her “Trust me, it’s true love, though it seems like enslavement.” Although privately, she disagreed, She had no choice but to be his bride-to-be. She came back to his Viking lair Said “excuse my while I fix my hair” And once inside the Viking sale-de-bain She put a curse upon her husband’s name Then she came out, said “this just won’t do This place needs paint and renovations too I must have the finest house in town After all, you burned my old one down!” He was all “baby, don’t worry!”, and he set off in a hurry Said “with the sun as my judge and the stars as my jury I won’t stop ‘til I’ve got the finest things to be got My arms are strong, I can carry a lot!” He wandered wastelands day and night ‘Til at last a village, it came in sight There were no people to be found So he stole the nicest stuff around He felt the Viking word for cool With his arms full of furs and fine jewels But just as he was heading home He felt a chill run through his bones He turned and saw a thorny tree With flowers pink as boar’s meat He dropped his furs and jewels and said “My wife must have these flowers for our wedding bed!” But oh it all went so wrong, I know you knew all along It was the same tree I mentioned at the start of the song When he picked a single flower he unleashed an evil power Its petals turned bloody and its fragrance turned sour He was young but he could tell that this wouldn’t end well So like a brave little Viking he didn’t cry or yell He said “it’s ashes to ashes and it’s dust to dust And if I must go, I must - it’s Valhalla or bust!” So with a crack and a crash, he was gone in a flash And all that was left was a pile of pink ash To this day, believe me, if you look you will see Two thorny trees growing where just one used to be.