Note to black metal fans: yes, Euronymous really did play a sunburst Les Paul. Seems weird, I know.

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One dreary November I was down in my dungeon
And by dungeon I mean the basement in my parents’ place
I was sitting around with my friends Dave and Kevin
Better known as Dementor and Kevin Skull-face

We had a band practice scheduled but unfortunately
Dave’s guitar had been stolen from his Honda Fit
It was a BC Rich Warlock and Dave was heartbroken
But Kevin was like, c’mon, Dave, get on with it

He said put on your big boy pants, put on your corpse paint
Let’s go down to Guitar Centre, see what’s in stock
So Dave dried his tears and we got out our trench-coats
We were ready for shopping, we were ready to rock

We stopped by the graveyard to take a few selfies
Then got to the store and saw to our delight
An inflatable man dancing next to a sign
That said Black Friday Sale! Huge Savings Inside!

Why can’t every Black Friday be a Black Metal Friday
Great deals and great darkness just go hand in hand
Why can’t every Black Friday be a Black Metal Friday
Burn a church! Buy an iPad! Start a black metal band

Dave surprised us by buying a sunburst Les Paul
Deeply discounted ‘cause of a couple warped frets
Dave said it was the same model played by Euronymous
Before his old bandmate stabbed him to death

We had only come in for a guitar for Dementor
But then Kevin Skullface spied a brand new bass amp
With this thousand-watt head he said our fans will be dead
With this much bottom end I will crush them like ants

I was about to point out that we’d only played two shows
And a battle of the bands which we’d unfairly lost
Then I saw a double kick pedal in polished black metal
I’d play blast beats twice as fastly at 50% off

On top of it everything was zero-percent financing
It all made us feel powerful and evil and frugal
With these deals and this gear we’d be a real band to fear
Like Rotting Christ mixed with Burzum, but even more brutal

Why can’t every Black Friday be a Black Metal Friday
Great deals and great evil just go hand in hand
Why can’t every Black Friday be a Black Metal Friday
Burn a church! Buy an iPad! Start a black metal band

Why can’t every Black Friday be a Black Metal Friday
Trampling fellow shoppers and listening to Mayhem
Why can’t every Black Friday be a Black Metal Friday
Hail discounts, hail darkness, hail savings, hail Satan